We are all broken
Anyone who has been touched by infidelity, either as a betrayed spouse/partner or an unfaithful eventually wants to move on to a better place. In the world of affair recovery, there are many shades of outcomes and there is not necessarily a good outcome or a poor outcome. Some decide to work on the marriage or relationship, some decide to end it and some are not given a choice.
The outcome that we face today depends on the work we have put in as individuals and the response from the other party involved. Sometimes an unfaithful believes they are in love with the affair partner or are too ashamed to work on the marriage or relationship. In these cases, the betrayed inherits a trauma to deal with completely on their own.
Infidelity has been analysed under the lens of PTSD, grief from death, natural disasters and how we approach the meaning of life. The way in which a betrayed spouse deals with their own pain is as personal as choosing their wardrobe. There is no one-size-fits-all for dealing with infidelity like there is no single fashion style that will suit all body types and personalities.
I've seen my own mother recovering from infidelity under the umbrella of Christian faith. She used to look at her pain as her own personal cross to carry. She used to pray in solitude and find comfort in talking to people living monastic lives. She also went to therapy based on Transactional Analysis and learned tools to grow as a person. This recipe includes both a theoretical and a practical component that helped her cope with her pain and continue to live.
Some of us feel more comfortable with a secular option, so we might turn to modern philosophers or motivators. Others have a spiritual community that offers support that suits them. Others have to move away from these options and find a different alternative.
I have studied the topic of infidelity at length this past year. I had been exposed to it as the daughter of an unfaithful in my late teens and I've been recovering from my husband's betrayal for twelve months in my early fifties. I am in a better place today than in the past five years and I am certain that I have been transformed by this experience. For the better or the worse, I choose to believe what brings me peace. I have adopted theoretical and practical coping mechanisms that resonate with me.
The outcome that we face today depends on the work we have put in as individuals and the response from the other party involved. Sometimes an unfaithful believes they are in love with the affair partner or are too ashamed to work on the marriage or relationship. In these cases, the betrayed inherits a trauma to deal with completely on their own.
Infidelity has been analysed under the lens of PTSD, grief from death, natural disasters and how we approach the meaning of life. The way in which a betrayed spouse deals with their own pain is as personal as choosing their wardrobe. There is no one-size-fits-all for dealing with infidelity like there is no single fashion style that will suit all body types and personalities.
I've seen my own mother recovering from infidelity under the umbrella of Christian faith. She used to look at her pain as her own personal cross to carry. She used to pray in solitude and find comfort in talking to people living monastic lives. She also went to therapy based on Transactional Analysis and learned tools to grow as a person. This recipe includes both a theoretical and a practical component that helped her cope with her pain and continue to live.
The recipe for coping and growing
Understanding why we react and feel in a certain way helps recovery. Having specific routines for looking inwards and finding empathy amongst other humans are coping mechanisms that we adapt from a wide range of options.Some of us feel more comfortable with a secular option, so we might turn to modern philosophers or motivators. Others have a spiritual community that offers support that suits them. Others have to move away from these options and find a different alternative.
I have studied the topic of infidelity at length this past year. I had been exposed to it as the daughter of an unfaithful in my late teens and I've been recovering from my husband's betrayal for twelve months in my early fifties. I am in a better place today than in the past five years and I am certain that I have been transformed by this experience. For the better or the worse, I choose to believe what brings me peace. I have adopted theoretical and practical coping mechanisms that resonate with me.
We must agree to disagree
After a few months post DDay, I turned to my Twitter tribe for long term empathy. Only someone who is on the same timeline as you or who decided to talk about how they managed to thrive after infidelity, will be interested in your ups and downs as a betrayed spouse.
In the words of Alain de Botton, the creator of The School of Life, we are all mad - as in crazy - and we all have our own craziness to deal with. When we choose a life partner, we normally don't talk about our flaws but we adapt the inherited notion of love imposed by Romanticism since the 18th century. This is equivalent to Esther Perel's statement that "when you pick a partner, you pick a story". Not two stories are the same as there are no two people who are mad in the same way.
This means every betrayed-unfaithful couple deals with infidelity in their own flawed way. We all react in different ways to certain statements or reactions. We are all in pain and we are all flawed and somehow broken.
The wonderful thing about Twitter is that you can mute a conversation that has shifted in a way that no longer helps you. You can choose to ignore certain phrases or you can choose to oppose certain views. Anything that helps you heal is accepted. I've personally gotten wonderful feedback from my Tweeps at very low emotional stages in my recovery. I have laughed with the witticism of some of the tribe members. I certainly appreciate each and every one of my Tweeps.
We are all reading books, articles, listening to podcasts, watching vlogs, doing online workshops. You name it, the tribe has covered it all. As we share our findings we enrich each other. The virtual world of Twitter is a great way to practice for real life. I have personally found a way to brainstorm without involving the real people who surround me. They all think I am perfectly fine as I carry on with my normal activities and enjoy the company of my remorseful husband.
Only my tribe knows when I am sad or obsessed about understanding love and marriage. I have come across views that resonate with me and others than don't. I don't follow those who don't help my recovery but I understand that writing counterarguments can help other people heal. It's not my type of strategy.
One thing that infidelity has taught me is to own my crazy. I love myself with all my flaws and that helps me accept other people's flaws, including my husband's but also my Tweeps'.
Thanks for reading,
Helen
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