I am a romantic, are you going to live up to the standards?

This is how I ended a handwritten letter to my ex-unfaithful husband after a major setback in our recovery. He lied by omission and he insists he had valid reasons to decide to withhold information that I had explicitly required as part of what is needed to build trust again. In the aftermath of the argument that has not been resolved, I have realised that I am a romantic and will always be. Do we stand a chance then? Let's see.

Over a period of sixteen months since Dday, I have read books about infidelity and also about long-term relationships, marriage challenges and how to be happily married. What I want and what our mentor prescribed is that if we are to remain married, we must both be happy. There is no healthy staying together just for the children if the relationship between the parents is a toxic one.

Our plan outline was to create new happy memories, to place boundaries that would ensure we remain a couple of two and not three anymore and to love each other as if we were children. We were going to be facing challenges so we had to be understanding, patient and forgiving of small pitfalls. And we have been doing just that. Only two days ago, I wrote how great we were doing until this happened.

A lie is a lie

Mark decided to postpone telling me that he and the ex-AP/CW/Twunt would be together in one of the committees he must attend regularly at work. I had been waiting for new positions for both of them for over a year since Dday and I was hoping that their paths would not have to cross at work again. 

Obviously, it was a big deal for me to know if that was really the case. I asked Mark a few weeks back if they had seen each other or if they will be together in a project since they both have new roles. He said no. I don't like bringing up the Twunt in our conversations for obvious reasons. So I just spelt it out for him that one time I asked: "I want to know if you will be in any meeting or committees with her. I don't want any surprises".

It seems like the day came when he saw her name in one of the committees, acting as secretary. He decided not to tell me straight away. And you know what? The energy of that secret weighed on him and I could tell something was off. 

I started looking at his calendar events and checked the participants in a committee related to the area of the Twunt's new position. There she was. Surprise! As any betrayed spouse can imagine, hell broke loose. He still justifies his poor choice and insists it's not a lie if it's to avoid my pain. As if I'm not going to detect the lie and find out, right?

Taking it further

I am tired of understanding, translating his precarious signs of love and interpreting his clumsy phrases. I have filled my mind with the notion that love is hard work, that real love resembles more maternal love than the fairy tale we were fed as children. I can understand that Prince Charming doesn't exist but I AM willing to die for love. Once I committed to my husband, I was not going to betray him. I wouldn't even betray him after he cheated on me. It is not who I am. 

I am not implying that I am a better person than him. I am imperfect in many ways. But I believe in honesty as part of love. And I have learned through this painful experience of infidelity that the first person to truly love is ourselves, our inner child. And my inner child is very sad that his inner child learned to hide truths that he considered might sadden those he loves. My inner child learned that honesty is more valuable than faking reality. I would sit by the person I love and help them get through the painful truth. This is my idea of teamwork. 

My inner child is happy

After feeling a deep sadness this morning, I am now in peace and hopeful because I have listened to my inner child. What a revelation this has been. There is a group of us who are romantics and I am one of them. For me, the value of a surprise flower bouquet will never depreciate. And a handwritten note with an "I'm sorry", "I love you", "I'm so grateful for you" will always be a golden bonus. 

I can work for love but I need my romance. It might seem like a waste of time and resources for some but I am wired for hope. I want to be happy, I want to be filled with ridiculous corny signs of romantic love. It would help my recently opened wound close again. 

I have asked my husband: "Will you live up to the standard?"

We shall see.