Three steps that might stop you from falling in the emotional dip
As you sail through the rough seas of infidelity, you might wonder when will you reach the shore, when will be the day when you will not have to imagine your long-term partner in proximity to the AP. It could be at a child's sports event, a work meeting, a neighbourhood shop. After all, affair partners are not aliens, they live amongst us.
My husband, who has been doing recovery work for 17 months now, has a work meeting today with the ex-AP. He knows I know and I could detect a slight anxiety in him this morning before going to work. There is no need to talk about it. I don't want to bring that woman into my life with my recovering ex-unfaithful husband.
So, I wanted to rant. The same old rant of "Why did he have to cheat?" and in my case "...with a co-worker whom he has to continue to see even after the affair is over?". Shit happens. It is life. While we are alive, there will be good and bad things happening to us: diseases, accidents, betrayals. All beside births, joy, proud moments, achievements, abundance, peace, health, laughs and dancing.
It is everyone greatest wish to be able to appreciate and enjoy the good moments in life and to be able to leave the shitty ones in the past. Especially if they are a matter of the past. There will be joint pains, wrinkles, grey hairs and other permanent conditions that we can only cover up or somehow frame them in a way that will make them tolerable.
Why is it so difficult to leave the affair in the bloody past where it belongs? It's because we wouldn't have caused the same trauma to our partner. We cannot conceive the idea that we would have an affair as whatever they used it for. We would have faced the issue that was bothering us TOGETHER with our spouse or partner. But they chose not to.
Here are three simple steps that we have discussed in the past and really helped me not to stay in a sad place for very long. I could actually enjoy my son's company and realise there is so much more to life than my husband's affair.
My husband, who has been doing recovery work for 17 months now, has a work meeting today with the ex-AP. He knows I know and I could detect a slight anxiety in him this morning before going to work. There is no need to talk about it. I don't want to bring that woman into my life with my recovering ex-unfaithful husband.
So, I wanted to rant. The same old rant of "Why did he have to cheat?" and in my case "...with a co-worker whom he has to continue to see even after the affair is over?". Shit happens. It is life. While we are alive, there will be good and bad things happening to us: diseases, accidents, betrayals. All beside births, joy, proud moments, achievements, abundance, peace, health, laughs and dancing.
It is everyone greatest wish to be able to appreciate and enjoy the good moments in life and to be able to leave the shitty ones in the past. Especially if they are a matter of the past. There will be joint pains, wrinkles, grey hairs and other permanent conditions that we can only cover up or somehow frame them in a way that will make them tolerable.
Why is it so difficult to leave the affair in the bloody past where it belongs? It's because we wouldn't have caused the same trauma to our partner. We cannot conceive the idea that we would have an affair as whatever they used it for. We would have faced the issue that was bothering us TOGETHER with our spouse or partner. But they chose not to.
Here are three simple steps that we have discussed in the past and really helped me not to stay in a sad place for very long. I could actually enjoy my son's company and realise there is so much more to life than my husband's affair.
- ACCEPTANCE is the first step towards stopping the train arriving at misery land. We can see how we're fastly approaching. Let's not panic. We've been there before and we know that worrying about it will just not prevent it. Accept that we might feel miserable and pity ourselves for a few hours/days/weeks. Whatever. It's part of life.
- SELF-COMPASSION follows acceptance. Once we don't fight that our spouse decided to cheat and make us forever the betrayed, we can start looking at our own flaws. In my case, I am needy, I get teary. It's Ok. I let it be. It helps. You should accept how you feel and be ok with it. No judgement.
- TREAT YOURSELF to a merry playlist, a film, a nice book, aromatherapy, a nap, a conversation with a good friend, browsing YouTube, your favourite blogs, writing, running, swimming, going to the hairdresser, sitting down for a cup of tea or coffee, skipping a house chore, attending a Yoga class. There are other options in my previous article.
It has been since April 2019 since he claims he has finally stopped. It has cost him his relationship with my parents, me our 20 year of being together and my children. I say claim as I had an inkling in March 2018. I found hard evidence of texts in June 2018. Apparently it started Sept 2017. He continued to lie to me and continued seeing his secretary (very unfit and not his type at all) for almost a year. He gave her his time, love and a bug chunk of our money. She gave him nothing tangible in return. Just made him "feel good". So much pain. So much devastation. I almost was admitted, but remembering I am the only one there for my children...I kept going and continued to parent best I could my two children. Lots of crying. Individual therapy and almost 2 divorces that went through. The first divorce was dismissed because he convinced me he wasn't cheating and hurting our children with lies...he just found a better way to hide it and another burner phone. But I decided after all this time that I will stay with him for now for my children. I will never love or trust him like I did. He is an extremely flawed man. I live with him in full knowledge who he is now. Although I find myself thinking of what he did in the past and wonder if this is just the first that I found out of many. I have made up my mind to persevere until my children leave the home. Some say I am weak because I should leave him some say I am strong. It is not so simple as black and white because even divorce I would have to give up my kids to him for weekends and month over summer and I am unwilling to miss seeing my children for even a day. He is a child himself not capable of responsible parenting for long periods of time. Say what you will. I love my children and this is my choice at this time. He continues to rug sweep. Hasnt made an effort to go to therapy, individual or couple and had not gone out of the way to make me feel special. It is sad. But it is what it is. I will make my own happiness with my children.
ReplyDeleteDear Striving,
DeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing. We found out at the same time. My DDay was July 2018. I will never know for sure how long he was in a relationship with this co-worker, a kind of secretary too. We cannot separate ourselves from our children. It hurts too much making decisions that will make them sad. Then again, we must heal and be strong so we do not become a burden. Unfortunately shit happens and infidelity touched us. It could have been an incurable disease. What can I say? I feel your pain. I am at a low today, feeling angry but also acknowledging that I am stronger (and so are you) and that I now know what he is capable of doing. They have to work for the rest of their lifetimes after betrayal to prove to us that it is worth giving them a chance. And don't even mention the women who become available to them. Mine was a married whore who wanted her husband AND mine and when I discovered them, didn't want to give up even her prestigious position at work. So now, I see her living her life without apparent stains while my children and I live in the hell of the aftermath of discovering their affair. There is no winning game here. Let's look forward to happier days and keep breathing and nurturing our bodies and souls with healthy food and thoughts. Thanks again for connecting.
Much love,
Helen
I feel your pain too Helen. I am glad that yours shows remorse and is trying. For me, my husband doesnt lift a finger. He continues to rug sweep and be defensive. He could very well be continuing and hiding. His AP was a mother of 3, all different fathers, children aged 1, 15 and 18. She told him she only married the last man because he was a safe bet who provided some and had a baby with him to secure the marriage but she didnt love him, her own husband, and told my husband to leave me because her almost 1 year old was starting to recognize people. She threw a pity fest for herself with him and he told me he felt "obligated" to take care of her. He fell for all her poor me lies. He didn't think about his own children who needed him. He gave her our childrens university fund over 2 year of affair. Each time she cried poor he gave her more. that which was not his to give and what we dont have. He didnt even stip to think she is sharing that money with her husband! He was supporting her and her 3 children and her husband!!! And to think of that I cared for him and supported him for part of the 20 years we have been together. Here I am picking up pieces and trying to protect my children and she gets away with our money and not a scratch. In fact he set her up with her own business and gave her money for supplies. She remains married, he family intact, and her husband is none the wiser but richer.
ReplyDeleteI am at a low today. Have been for a few days. I wake up from ptsd nightmares at 3am and cant go back to sleep. I was better for a while but recently with Christmas around the corner I feel more sensitize and more susceptible to being down. I understand recovery take 2-5years but after Dday and then being lied to for a year and having an uncooperative and unremorseful spouse...I feel it will take me much longer.
I have to actively be present in the moment when he isnt around to enjoy and be grateful what I have. I look forward to your posts and the hope and advice you have.
Dear Striving,
DeleteI hope you are in a better place. Know that you are loved and that you are not alone in your predicament. Let's hope that the new year will come full of hope. Love yourself lots.
Hi Helen, Thank you for sharing your story. It is a wonderful source for others experiencing the same pain. I am wondering if you would ever be interested in being a guest on my radio show The Sunday Night Health Show that airs in Western Canada. It is also a podcast on iTunes, google and spotify. Please email me at nursetalk@hotmail.com if this is of interest to you. Here's a link to the show:https://globalnews.ca/bc/program/sunday-night-health-show Thank you for considering!
ReplyDeleteHi Maureen,
DeleteGreat radio show and podcast. Thank you so much for the invite. I would be delighted to participate.