Attention quality and transparency after infidelity

A fellow betrayed spouse shared in a small group her mother's response to the question "How do you know father was loyal to your marriage?" she was certain that he had been loyal because of "the quality of the attention he was always giving me". This resonated with me a lot since I have been experiencing quality attention from my ex-unfaithful husband lately.



During the affair he was distracted from "us". Every text message his affair partner was sending him while he was physically present in the family home that we build together, was keeping him from engaging not only with me, but also with his children and even the needs of the home. He just dumped all that responsibility on me, as if his sole role was to provide for us and come home at the end of each day to eat, sit and sleep.

Those were some very sad days. Not knowing what was happening was torturous. Years passed as I believed he was changing because it was a normal part of ageing. I had felt changes in my mood and behaviour myself as the years passed by and the circumstances around us changed.

We tend to judge those around us as a mirror of ourselves, so I only considered the possibility of an affair when the evidence started mounting. My commitment to my family and marriage had remained intact while his had changed shape big time. He was not aware of the toll the affair was taking on all of us: the energy he spent hiding it and the effect of the disconnection from us.

While a spouse is having an affair, compartmentalisation leads to denial of reality. In the beginning, they can hide it very well, but as the walls of the compartments start to shatter, the betrayed spouse becomes more aware of what is possibly happening. In spite of all the extra effort my husband was putting to hide his affair, I knew something was different.

Always trust your gut feeling

In hindsight, I can see clearly that my instinct about something being different was spot on. It seems like ageing does not justify a change in attitude when a person wants to make you a priority. I did spell it out for him how I wasn't feeling at the top of his priority list many times. He used the good old excuse about the importance of work for the family. I was supposed to support him, which I did for many, many years, expecting only to be in his heart. 

If there is one thing we can feel loud and clear is how someone feels or doesn't feel about us. I wasn't his girl anymore. That only happens when there is another "girl" in their lives. 

Transparency post infidelity

In the road to recovery from an affair, we are told that the betrayed spouse must have access to all communication channels of the ex-unfaithful as a means to regaining trust. In all the books I read, the therapists clarify that the need for access to personal accounts will decrease with time. As the couple recovers, the spark of love between them must reignite a happy relationship in which there is less and less need for control. 

I personally feel that I don't want to spend energy checking Mark's personal accounts forever. I have only done so when my gut feeling alerts me. And it has worked. I have discovered him withholding information to avoid conflict. Those were humps we were able to cross together and made our legs stronger. And we have carried on. 

The quality of the attention

As long as I feel like my husband's girl, I can share his attention with our daughter as the only other girl in his life. His smile and his commitment to us, plus the joy I saw on his face as we celebrated the New Year together, make my heart swell with hope. I feel loved. And, as long as I have the best attention quality, I will be sure that I am at the top of his list. And that makes me happy. 

In this universe of pain, while healing from infidelity, we must enjoy the good moments. Life comes with disease, pain, injustice, conflicts, bad politicians, natural disasters and bushfires. And there is only a limited number of years while we will be able to dance, laugh and degust good wine. Why waste it worrying about the possibility of a new betrayal? We are ready to face it if and when it comes. Let's enjoy the here and now, shall we?

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