Breathe and pause: you won't regret it

Today I wanted to share that I am beyond peaceful. I am aware that no emotional state is permanent, so I will still see days when I remember with great disappointment my H's affair. Mainly, I want to give you hope. If you're thinking "Why me?", know that the recurrence of this thought will fade away as you reflect on the days you could barely keep it together until you started enjoying life again. 

Infidelity is a bitch, big time. It ruins career paths, family finances and, most of all, traumatises those who are touched by it: the friend of the married woman who became the AP and used their friendship as a cover up to meet her lover. The children of the marriages of the lovers. The sister of the betrayed spouse, the sister of the unfaithful and so on... 

Mainly, infidelity shatters trust. It is one of the disappointments we could face in life. I hope it is not your case but, sadly, since you're reading this, it's probably touched you in one way or another. 

The day I got the proof to confirm my suspicion about my H having an affair with a co-worker was four years ago this coming July. The months leading to my DDay were driving me insane. I was gaslighted for over a year while the feeling about something being off never left me. It was a day of discovery and liberation for me. 

It was also the day that gave way to me feeling the worst possible feelings towards my fellow human beings. I imagined the offenders undergoing the saddest possible physical suffering I could picture in my head. In the months that followed, I threw a few tantrums with my parents as witnesses, I kicked a bed and punched H when he attended my cry for attention as I channeled the anger down my leg to my foot and out as loud kicks on a very strong wooden bed frame. 

I exposed my H's secret  to his boss, to co-workers and to friends. I also gave my version to his siblings before he could give them his own. His plan was to 'fix it' and it took him over two years until we could enjoy a happy marriage in our mid-life phase. He remained committed to 'us' while I showed the world how I could live without him. 

His affair ended the day I discovered it and I did put a fight with the ap. I've always been aware that this is the easiest possible path to recovery. So many UHs think they are in love with the ow and never give their marriage a chance. Or the aps insist on the affair even after discovery. Apparently, the two lovers in my story had agreed to terminate it, no questions asked, if they were ever discovered. 

I used to look back at these notions with contempt and disgust. As I invested time and energy in my own healing and I recovered, I started to accept that 'shit happens' and that the life I built with my H was worth a second chance -with improvements. We 'renovated' the home of our marriage and life together and started to enjoy what we have. 

He has reassured me every time I doubt, he has remained committed to us for almost four years, like never before. He didn't have to prove anything before his affair because I trusted him completely. Now, he knows that all we have is a lease that is renewable every morning. 

I feel chosen every day and I know how it hurts to be betrayed and how the pain dilutes like a drop of kool aid in a jug of water. Listen to Dr Caroline Madden explain this in this episode of my podcast.

 

I am still on the road to recovery from one betrayal and preparing to remain active and independent as I move into my older age. 

Today I saw how big the daughter of the ex-ap is and I was truly glad that that child did not experience what mine did. I used to resent the fact that she got to continue her life without the turmoil I had in mine, as her H was never informed by me about the affair. I have recently experienced liberation from thoughts towards that family and I continue to focus my attention away from the sad past. 

I feel lighter and as peaceful as ever since I continue my path focused on the experiences I enjoy and the love that surrounds me in the present. I know that I am doing what is right and I am so happy I did not fall in any revenge affair nor did I pursue any actions to destroy the Twunt's marriage. I did torture her a little via text messages but that stopped relatively soon after discovery and as she complied with my demands to not even look at my H. She's done her best to disappear from my sight. 

I even felt like sending her good wishes for a happy life with her children in the future. I am so proud of myself for not having caused further havoc in another, young, family. I was alone in my suffering but I had my tribe on Twitter, loving friends and my H, strong like a rock and determined to win me back. He is doing a great job. I feel acknowledged and loved. 

It IS possible. Better days will come. Your journey is unique and you might not end up with your spouse, but you surely are forced to grow and learn to love yourself before giving to others, after you discover infidelity in your marriage. 

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening to my podcast, for reading my story in the books and for commenting here, on Twitter or on Instagram. I wish you well. 

Keep walking and be kind to yourself. Everything else will fall into place. 

Lots of love,

Helen