How to be indifferent to the third party

One thing is to leave the past where it belongs and another is to have the presence of the ex-ap (in lowercase) in the life of the ex-unfaithful spouse. In my case, ap is an attention seeker who does not refrain from appearing in corporate videos or interviews for "successful women", and she is now leading a team across departments that includes, of course, hubby's. 

Their affair ended when I discovered them and I decided not to tell her husband, as a way to keep that card under my sleeve. I have been feeling peaceful as she is not part of my life anymore. Until I read an email recently, addressed to a group of people in my H's department, for them all "to do great things together".

I had to refrain from contacting her in any way. I had already done so, a few months past Dday, when she wrote a borderline flirting email to my H. Our agreement was that they were both going to keep their communication to the "strictly professional". It seems some people cannot help but flirt. 

How is "We will do great things together" strictly professional? It carries all sorts of subliminal messages under the excuse of using "leader's jargon", which is probably what she's telling herself. She flirts. Full stop. 

I was very upset, so I had to control my impulse to contact her. I have promised myself not to give her the attention she so much craves. The opposite of love is indifference, and that's what I am willing to give her. 

My decision was to talk to my H about the barriers we agreed he would put in place to prevent relapse, for as long as they work in the same institution, they should avoid any contact that is not related to the job. 

I knew that if I brought up the subject out of the blue, he wouldn't listen. He would be too busy wondering "what triggered her (me) NOW?", perhaps suspecting I had read the email. 

Another possibility was that he didn't take the bait and just ignored the implications of her message for "doing great things together" (still, I believe it would stick to his emotional brain and perhaps trigger something like having "great orgasms together"). The truth is, I was afraid he could relapse. Having a serial flirter on the loose at work is dangerous for any marriage.

I had a challenge in front of me: how could I tell my husband to beware of his ex-lover's flirting at work without saying it?

I decided to put the spotlight on me instead. It was manipulative to say the least. But I got my message across. After all, we are working on our marriage and that includes two people. He cannot erase what he did but he musn't forget how he got into it in the first place. 

Andrew G. Marshall calls affairs that start at work "accidental" and many betrayed spouses cringe at the term. But it is the many small shots of  pleasure hormones associated with the satisfaction of solving everyday challenges that creates the erotic space for affairs to happen in the workplace. How are spouses to compete with that? 

If we have learned anything from infidelity, is that affairs with co-workers can get very complicated. I didn't want to risk bringing up to my H's attention what the ap wrote in her recent email. I didn't want to bring her up in between the two of "us". 

I decided to send him a voice message in which I stated that I wanted him to know how I cling to hope almost everyday to keep me going in this new marriage we decided to commit to, but that some days fear gets the best of me. 

I went on to explain what I was afraid of these other days. This includes his contact with other women who flirt in an uncontrolled manner. I reminded him of how he went down the slippery slope and he should know how far things could get, so he should remember to keep those barriers in place. 

I stated that marriage for me means commitment in full to ONE person and that obviously I hadn't been enough for him in the past, and that gave me grounds for fearing relapse under similar work conditions for him. 

I felt peace after I articulated my feelings in a rather objective way. I feel very proud of myself for not contacting ap nor mentioning her in any direct way when communicating with my husband about my sad emotional state.

I just wanted to share with you that it IS possible to learn to communicate better and to understand that, sometimes, we create our own extra-high expectations for our own behaviour. I have decided I will not refrain myself for expressing how I feel. It is now clearer that I can focus on me without bringing up the third party.

If I can do it, you can too. I wish you all the best. 

Thanks for reading, 

Helen