Beginning my fourth year past Dday

 When we discover our spouse is having an affair, we NEED to hear -from someone we consider "qualified"- that all will be well. Until that moment we thought it would never happen to us and that, if it did, we'd know what to do. 

In my case, I knew that I wouldn't stay with a cheater. I knew I wouldn't be weak like my mother was by accepting my cheating father after he decided to work on their marriage. I "knew" that I would start to do all the things I had compromised on pausing for the sake of my marriage. 

I was wrong. After I went through with my pre-conceived plan, it didn't FEEL right. I was more miserable than ever. I needed a step-by-step guide to honour the life I had built with this person who seemed to have awaken from a lethargic state of disconnection. He was remorseful and wanted to "fix" what he did wrong. 

In a nutshell, after completing three whole years of recovery work, I can ensure you that there's nothing that can be fixed once trust is shattered. You can put the pieces back together: the ones for YOU as an individual and the ones for YOU as a couple. But it will NEVER be the same again. 

First of all, you wake up from the fantasy that you can "live happily ever" after once you find THE ONE. And, second of all, you learn to listen to your heart because there are as many preconceptions in your own psyche as there are in the collective. 

I realised I still loved my husband, in spite of his gaslighting. I realised we had a LIFE together and that I could build a life on my own but I could give HIM ONE chance. He really felt what life without me would be, he considered what his life would be if he could build a life with her, and he understood what a stupid mistake he had made by risking what he had with me. 

So he started looking at US with loving eyes. He started focusing on his home and his family in a way he was never capable of before because of all the patterns he had grown up with that he wasn't aware of. I have my father to thank for all the therapy I did in my late teens and early twenties. I could understand much of my husband's behaviour: the entitlement, the narcissistic behaviour and the Machiavellian manipulations. 

So many of my friends' husbands were guided into affairs because of their own preconceptions and most of them did not even show the willingness to work on their marriages. They wanted the cake and to eat it too. In a way, I felt fortunate that my husband was willing to do whatever it took. And he has consistently been following through with the ground rules we have put in place. 

Three full years have been enough for me to feel loved again. It's a complicit kind of love, in which we are both keeping a secret. We know what happened and we are still together. Affairs start and end with secret(s).  

At some point I couldn't help but feeling sad for having "settled". I wanted the fairy tale love that I see in other couples. It is difficult to let go of life long beliefs. I kept testing my ex-unfaithful husband. He delivered every.single.time. 

I kept focusing on me, as I really didn't want to feel trapped. The fear I had was that, as time passed by and I got older, I would be less likely to start fresh without my husband. Then I became more aware that we are not going to live forever and I started looking at my situation as if I would plan for my husband to die before me. How would I want my life to be?

I've been focusing on organising my older years without my husband. I am building a plan B without him, with him. We are doing it together. This has been my big earning from the pain he caused. I was forced to grow and I have finally stopped "doing". Now I just want to "be".

Stop DOING. Start BEING.

I have also started to remember that there is a source of love that is bigger than me. That makes my "self-love" practice an even more loving one. I am not alone with myself. I accept the paternal and maternal archetypes of unconditional love and I feel like I have a way to replenish my loving fuel when it's running low. 

By focusing on myself, I suppose my husband can see that I am not relying on him. I am ready to take off if necessary. It is not "waiting for the other shoe to drop". It is living with the awareness that tomorrow might never come and that we must enjoy being present. What is real is what you have in front of you right now. 

Share with me how you're doing and where you are in your path. 

I wish you well.

Lots of love,

Helen