Why living without the "Happily ever after" should not be questioned

In a previous post, I suggested we looked at the other side of the coin of "once a cheater always a cheater". For my own peace of mind, I considered the possibility that my ex-unfaithful husband learned to appreciate our marriage and stay away from the patriarchal concept of male promiscuity in heterosexual relationships that was instigated in him since he was born.

Any male child in certain parts of the world (that I do not mention to protect my identity, but that applies for both mine and his birth countries), was (in the 1970s and I suppose before then) bombarded with the idea that men were tempted by sexy looking women and that they had to smile back and "deliver". At the same time girls "were like crystals that would show fingerprints if touched".

As a mother of two young men, I can see that my boys did not grow up with the same amount of pressure. I do accept that the concept of sexy looking women being the temptation and young men delivering is still out there, together with all the other ideas of gender and sexuality. All of these, now labelled and accepted options of sexual interconnections, have diluted the dominance of the old "macho" concept. 

As for the female part, we very well know that promiscuity was paired with all sorts of degrading epithets. What was worn as a badge of honour by men in the past became a woman's dishonour badge. The two opposite sexes were rewarded or punished for exactly the same type of behaviour. 

This is what hetero men in their 50s and 60s carry as emotional (or unemotional) way of connecting with the opposite sex. I see my children are not like that. They have self-respect and thus they respect their sexual partners. Young people are not objectified as we were in the past. A woman is as entitled to explore her sexuality as a man is. 

As a mother of men, I understood that older men did not respect themselves when they were young, as my children do today. So, how can someone without self-respect be able to respect their, also objectified, wives? In the past, the man was just a dick and the woman a crystal. Both objects. Nowadays there's still objectification but in all sorts of shade.

This might seem like another excuse I am finding to justify my ex-UH's infidelity. It might be, I'm not going to deny that I must find explanations to justify, mainly to myself, why I am giving this ex-UH another chance. I was also brought up with the idea that divorce today gives women the right to get out of a marriage post-infidelity. 

It's been five years since I disconnected from my husband, he had an affair and we decided to stay in the marriage. There are days when I wouldn't want things to be any different and there are days when I need to remind myself why I am in a position where I am not "supposed to be". 

My H is not currently promiscuous. He decided to have one affair and he is not into paid-sex or porn. His affair followed his own way to connect with women. He did it in parallel with me, and I discovered him. I left him and he pursued me. He was shocked enough to decide to "fix" what he had done to me. 

Now I know there's nothing he can do to "fix" his betrayal. What's done is done. And I decided to stay. There are days when I look at exit plans and I see my divorced friends and my friends who were not given a choice. And I read how my twitter connections are doing. 

We are all moving forward, moving through infidelity, in the best possible way, with what we have. Our path post-infidelity is as different and unique as our path in life. We end up doing, not necessarily what we love doing the most, but what pays the bills, that is closest to what we enjoy. 

In the same way as I accept that teaching is my pursuable passion, I have decided everyday to still stay in this marriage with my imperfect husband. I have changed. Infidelity changed me because it forced me to grow. I am better articulated and my H is reacting to this new me. 

It makes me sad to read how people who were forced into singlehood by an uncooperative spouse, or who decided to leave a toxic spouse or who are just not on the same path, reject our acceptance of an affair that is over and our decision to give our marriage a second chance. 

Betrayed spouses who work on their marriages forever stained by infidelity, are not lobbying for infidelity as a means to make the marriage better. That would be like saying that cancer can make us better people. 

Infidelity, like cancer, destroys much of our life the way we knew it. It forces us to eliminate the tumours in whichever way possible and to hope for a better tomorrow. 

I stayed with my husband because I could and because I am better in the life we have together than on my own. I revise my decision every single day. And some days, I need to find reminders of why I am still here. Just like single people need reminders of why they're better on their own. 

Let's not polarise this. We are STILL in this together. 

Lots of love,

Helen