Honesty: the answer when recovering from #infidelity?

Honesty means being truthful and sincere. As a recovering betrayed wife, I have realised that it is part of self-love and it is also an important tool in the healing process. The more honest I am with myself and with those around me about how I feel and what I need, the clearer my path to peace and joy becomes.

What are we healing from past DDay?

It is different for every person. Discovering betrayal from a spouse or long-term life partner, unveils other wounds. Some of us must heal an insecure inner child. Others are born warriors. The truth is, we all inherit traumas from our ancestors and we are not even aware of what they are. We can only feel the effects on our pre-conceptions, fears or insecurities.

One important lesson for me during my recovery process has been that I must be in touch with my thoughts and emotions constantly. I cannot let my unconscious mind take over and create the neurochemicals that will make me feel anxious. 

A positive mindset helps us appreciate what we have. Looking at the things we can be grateful for even in the darkest day can help you be in touch with reality in the here and now. But there are times when it is better to surrender to fear and sorrow.

Being honest can help you overcome a challenging feeling

Honesty is about accepting how we feel in the moment. After three and a half years past discovery of my husband's affair, I admitted to myself that I was feeling sad this morning. 

I know that my reality today is not the deceit I went through in 2017, but I am sad for what it was. And that is okay. I am a human being and I am entitled to grieving my losses. And so are you. Not having the fairy tale marriage I dreamed of is one of my losses in life. 

The magical effect that I wanted to share with you in this post, is that, once I allowed myself to admit that I was sad for something I cannot change, the feeling sat with me for the shortest time ever and left me, almost immediately. 

This realisation led to another important breakthrough: admitting that I had to redefine love to stay in my marriage after infidelity, has allowed real love to flood my heart again. "Real love" means feeling in peace and content with my decision to be with my husband today. I can even feel the love I used to experience twenty years ago, when I was living the fairy tale.

Even then, there was a shadow of the possibility of betrayal hovering over my dream life. 

I don't know if I attracted the betrayal through my fear that it could happen to me the same way it happened to my parents. What I know is that it happened and I am not my mother, neither is my husband my father, so we sorted it out differently and we are walking together as these two recovering human beings.

Honesty is a big part of self-love. We must be sincere about what we are feeling. There is no point in following a strategy presented by experts expecting we will not make mistakes. The experts help, the strategies are good guidelines. And we are imperfect humans who are doing our best to feel better, to feel happier and to be able to enjoy life. 

Healthier choices

As you become better informed you can make better choices in life. This applies to physical and mental health. 

One thing I am now applying in my life, new to me past discovering my husband's betrayal, is to put myself first. I cannot give to others what I do not give myself. And being honest about my feelings, insecurities and true desires has become my guiding star.

I make a conscious effort to get in touch (important first step) and articulate my needs so I can feel peace to be able to be the person I want to be around those in my life. I am no longer doing things to please others so I can accumulate points in their love account towards me. It doesn't work like that. Others do not know why you are doing things. They assume that what you do is because you want to, out of free will. If you are a people-pleaser you tend to think the opposite. Beware.

I will never know what my husband is thinking or feeling. I can only see what he does when he is in front of me. And this is the reality. Sometimes I feel sad about it, I admit it and I keep going about my day, focusing on doing more of what I love, like writing this blog post and connecting with you.  

Thank you for being here. 

Being willing to lose it all for your true feelings can lead to better places. I hope you are getting there. 

Lots of love,

Helen