How to get your mojo back after #infidelity or any other of the mean “I”s

To get your mojo back means to get your enthusiasm for life, your Ikigai, the reason you want to get up every morning when you open your eyes. 

Infidelity is one of three life challenges that starts with an i. The other two are Infertility and Impotence. And there is, of course, (peri)-menopause. These don’t take into account sudden death, chronic painful diseases and other conditions such as cancer and heart disease. Just to be fair, there are also the natural disasters and terrorist attacks.

As time has passed by since my Dday (almost four years now!), I am able to see the bigger picture. I have realized that there are many inherited wounds, especially in women, that blind us from the global meaning of infidelity. 

The pain of discovering a spouse’s betrayal is so excruciating because we were not the first ones to be betrayed within our linage. Here I must honour the men who were hoping for a committed marriage and were betrayed by a spouse too. There are loyal men out there who are going through infidelity and it’s harder for them to find support groups. 

I focus on women because I am one and I have worked on understanding the way I have felt about infidelity all these years since it first appeared in my family life when I was nineteen. 

I learned to see the pattern that could lead to infidelity: midlife crisis, spending ability of any sort, demanding jobs with long hours spent away from the family home. Then I lived through the changes in the cheating partner: changes in mood, mentally drained, not focused on family, to name a few. 

My husband’s  changes in behaviour were different from my father’s, but I just knew that he could be cheating. And I told him, so he knew that I knew, even during his foggy denial period that he was “doing nothing that could jeopardize his marriage”. 

We had been through infertility during the early years of our marriage and we never lost our spark. We tackled the issue together and it was “us” facing the problem. And I read the books, did the treatments with my husband’s full support and we finally got pregnant not long after starting dealing with minor medical issues.

Then it was impotency. This is a factor I have never mentioned before, but it was there, a sign. It is still very important for my H to be able to get it hard, as Samantha would put it in the old SATC series. And it was not happening while he was performing for another woman. As soon as I discovered them, impotency was gone just in time for hysterical bonding. 

And we have been connected ever since. 

Currently there are other issues. As we get older, impotency will be back, menopause is a bitch too, chronic diseases will probably appear and risk factors must be kept under control with a healthy life style. And we are talking about it. We are communicating, I express my emotions, he listens, he expresses his emotions and I listen. All thanks to the growth we have experienced after infidelity. 

Why did it have to be so painful? Why did we have to go through infidelity in order to grow? 

It’s life. 

Other people go through an illness or an accident or any of the above challenges in order to grow. And others don’t grow, they remain bitter forever and sometimes even decide to take their lives. So we are the fortunate ones who, not only survived, but also grew out of the infidelity nightmare. 

Have I gotten my “mojo” back?

I must say I have. And I want to point out some key factors that have helped me and could help you too:

• Take on a new project you feel passionate about 
• Organize a potential life without the current spouse
• Do more of what gives you joy
• Focus on your health and get physically stronger
• Read books that challenge you in a pleasurable way
• Say no to what others want you to do but you don’t 
• Establish clear boundaries
• Revise and renew your circle of friends 
• Change whatever you can that reminds you of the affair
• Unfollow, block or even delete social profiles that could be triggering
• Enjoy your current love life in whatever shape or form it exists 
• Be in touch with your reality, use your senses, mindfulness, whatever helps
• Look inwards and heal your wounds beyond betrayal
• Practice gratitude for the little things and you’ll start noticing the bigger ones too
• Assume your role of responsible adult and take control of your own life
• Never blame others for what causes discomfort. You are not a plant, move away
• Love yourself, practice self-compassion as you grow
• Never stop learning, loving, laughing, they’re all good L words
• Follow influencers or authors who inspire you
• Treat yourself weekly to a favourite activity on your own
• Add your own small step here. Start with what you can and revise every day

I hope you found some value in this article. Thanks for reading.

Much love,

Helen