Does life ever feel "normal" again after #infidelity?

Infidelity is such a traumatic experience because it arrives unannounced and it remains stuck in our thoughts like an indelible tattoo made of deceit and lies. DDay marks the start of our life post-discovery of our long-term life-partner's affair. For the unfaithful, it's the end of the secret. They can decide to become an ex-unfaithful in redemption, a run-away separated person or an ambiguous something in between.

Whatever the choice of the person who cheats, after discovery, the betrayed starts from zero on DDay. In my case, I used to count the days, weeks and months after Discovery Day. It helped me remind myself that it was normal to feel terrible pain and not to be "me". I felt shattered and weak, like a wounded beast after barely surviving being group hunted. 

I wanted to feel like my old self again. After over a year since DDay, I now know that I will NEVER feel like that again. Infidelity has changed me. I felt the metamorphosis happening at some point. I have learned to accept this new version of me. 

My new normal

The definition of normal changes after infidelity. Once you have experienced betrayal from the person you least expected it, you learn that the ONLY person you can trust is yourself. In my case, I learned to accept the efforts my ex-unfaithful husband has been putting to create new memories and help me heal from the trauma. 

It has been quite the process. I have learned to separate what is real from what is fear-derived. I still agree with these reasons for giving our marriage a chance. I listed those over six months ago when our recovery was still in its early stages. 

Early stages

The first twelve months after DDay are very unpredictable. The yo-yo effect described by Rick Reynolds of AffairRecovery.com is real. It is exhausting to be on the emotional roller coaster that seems never-ending. That's why we count the days since Discovery, as a means to acknowledge how far we've come as we are shaken to the core by the PTSD symptoms.

I stopped counting

Today I realised that, for the very first time in a long time, I wasn't counting the months since DDay. I know it's a bit over a year, almost 14 months. I only counted to write it down for you to realise that it's not too long when you start to feel in control again. The Discovery of my husband's affair will not define my life. It has certainly shaped me into someone stronger and more independent. I have learned to understand my needs so that I can communicate them loud and clear to all of those around me. 

I know how shitty life can be after a betrayal and I know that there is a possibility my husband will choose to cheat again. Yet now I am prepared. The surprise factor will be different and the separation process will be smoother. I know that time will pass whether I rush into a new environment or I give my children the time they need to adjust. 

I know that my life will change in many ways. Not only we will have to co-parent but also deal with the new social interactions, the relatives' reactions, financial arrangements and creating a retirement plan without each other. And I have given all of those possibilities a thought. I have learned to live with the uncertainty in life. 

That's why it doesn't really matter how many months have passed since I discovered my husband's secret with his married coworker, I almost don't think of her and I don't take my husband for granted. I appreciate his presence in our life and enjoy creating memories together. 

I hope that if you are hurting, you will soon reach the point of accepting the new you. Love yourself lots and everything will fall into place. 

Cheers to healing,

Helen.