Pain, pride, fear vs LOVE after betrayal
The notion that forgiveness is better understood as a verb has been very helpful in coping with the challenges of giving a second chance to the love I (still) have for my ex-unfaithful husband.
Today I woke up feeling that I was forgiving only 1% and I knew that it would change as the day unfolded. I shared my pain with my Tweeps and received the much-needed empathy and connection with the Universe of pain, as Dr Laurie Nadel puts it in her book The Five Gifts to recover from catastrophes. I was able to use the notion of the five gifts to sail through this challenge.
In this "second marriage with the same person", the way Esther Perel puts it in her TEDTalk about Infidelity, there are good days and there are bad days.
The good days are the ones when I feel grateful for the happy experiences we can still have as the family we built together for twenty years. They are based on the love that fueled our commitment until the time came for him to stray. If I focus on the reality of each day, I see the prodigal son who returned home. We all missed him and we are happy he is back.
There is a part of me that acts just like the brother who stayed by his father's side, working and sweating to help maintain the family's wealth. He is resentful of the readiness that accompanies his father's hug to the brother who abandoned them. Is it possible to love so much that we can celebrate the joyful moment of the return? Is it fair that he left inconsiderately and is welcomed with a feast? Are there going to be no reprisals?
When my pride takes over, I feel like kicking my husband in the butt. Sometimes, there is no particular trigger. I might want to hear a particular phrase of acknowledgement and gratitude for this second chance I'm giving ourselves. It's called Transfer of Vigilance and it requires him to hold the affair in awareness. It can be subtly implied in a simple "thank you for being here" and I have patiently spelled it out for him.
A chain of happy days can be randomly followed by a need to hear that phrase that he doesn't consider necessary to articulate because he has been showing love in his preferred language, through acts of service. I prefer to receive love as words of affirmation accompanying quality time together. Many times he has been great through devotion but he hasn't used enough words for my liking.
This seems like a small detail but it is a big deal in the recovery of my wounded heart. This past weekend an innocent conversation with opposing views regarding somewhat sensitive topics ended up in a heated discussion and me bringing up the affair. I hate it when I do that. I wish I were always well composed but the hot-headed in me transpires at unexpected moments and she is very difficult to control.
I realise that when my pride takes over I want veneration from my husband. I'm not exaggerating. I know that deep down there is a frightened child in me who doesn't want to be abandoned. She wants to be loved. I want to be loved. I am afraid of my husband betraying me again. After all, he already did it once.
It is tempting to stay single. But, wait! I've tried that and realised how difficult it is and how painful. Separation will not ease the pain.
I am working on my independence. I am still recovering from the stabbing of his betrayal and I cannot tolerate inconsiderate comments. I can blow them out of proportion, I'm a wounded beast.
So I cried and let the pain, pride, fear out. I let them keep me company, I acknowledge them every time they appear and I nurse my frightened inner child. It helps.
Today, I admired what my body could do during my Pilates lesson, I was and am grateful for my moving muscles and healthy bones. I admire the empathy in my children and I am grateful for my Twitter tribe.
While we are alive there is hope. Let's keep sailing beyond infidelity.
Today I woke up feeling that I was forgiving only 1% and I knew that it would change as the day unfolded. I shared my pain with my Tweeps and received the much-needed empathy and connection with the Universe of pain, as Dr Laurie Nadel puts it in her book The Five Gifts to recover from catastrophes. I was able to use the notion of the five gifts to sail through this challenge.
In this "second marriage with the same person", the way Esther Perel puts it in her TEDTalk about Infidelity, there are good days and there are bad days.
There is a part of me that acts just like the brother who stayed by his father's side, working and sweating to help maintain the family's wealth. He is resentful of the readiness that accompanies his father's hug to the brother who abandoned them. Is it possible to love so much that we can celebrate the joyful moment of the return? Is it fair that he left inconsiderately and is welcomed with a feast? Are there going to be no reprisals?
When my pride takes over, I feel like kicking my husband in the butt. Sometimes, there is no particular trigger. I might want to hear a particular phrase of acknowledgement and gratitude for this second chance I'm giving ourselves. It's called Transfer of Vigilance and it requires him to hold the affair in awareness. It can be subtly implied in a simple "thank you for being here" and I have patiently spelled it out for him.
A chain of happy days can be randomly followed by a need to hear that phrase that he doesn't consider necessary to articulate because he has been showing love in his preferred language, through acts of service. I prefer to receive love as words of affirmation accompanying quality time together. Many times he has been great through devotion but he hasn't used enough words for my liking.
This seems like a small detail but it is a big deal in the recovery of my wounded heart. This past weekend an innocent conversation with opposing views regarding somewhat sensitive topics ended up in a heated discussion and me bringing up the affair. I hate it when I do that. I wish I were always well composed but the hot-headed in me transpires at unexpected moments and she is very difficult to control.
I realise that when my pride takes over I want veneration from my husband. I'm not exaggerating. I know that deep down there is a frightened child in me who doesn't want to be abandoned. She wants to be loved. I want to be loved. I am afraid of my husband betraying me again. After all, he already did it once.
What am I going to do?
My awareness of the impossibility to control what he does leads to anxiety and I feel that staying alone will save me from this discomfort. Pride says I don't need him, "is it worth staying and fighting the pain and the resentment?" I can only trust myself.It is tempting to stay single. But, wait! I've tried that and realised how difficult it is and how painful. Separation will not ease the pain.
I am working on my independence. I am still recovering from the stabbing of his betrayal and I cannot tolerate inconsiderate comments. I can blow them out of proportion, I'm a wounded beast.
So I cried and let the pain, pride, fear out. I let them keep me company, I acknowledge them every time they appear and I nurse my frightened inner child. It helps.
Today, I admired what my body could do during my Pilates lesson, I was and am grateful for my moving muscles and healthy bones. I admire the empathy in my children and I am grateful for my Twitter tribe.
While we are alive there is hope. Let's keep sailing beyond infidelity.
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