Meeting the triggers in the eye
As time passes by and DDay becomes more a thing of the past, there are certain unexpected triggers that make you experience again unfortunate events of the time your spouse was having an affair. Reliving these memories can set you and your partner back as you work on recovery together. Eighteen months past DDay, our recovery is a toddler in human development terms but, since infidelity is so painful, it seems like we've had been on this healing path forever.
I personally work very hard on my projects so that the performance becomes a reflection of the effort. Infidelity recovery is one of those projects I have to make sure that I'm assessing through the lens of compassion and love, starting from my own progress. I am normally too strict with the grade I give myself for how far I have come.
On top of this high standard I set for myself, my husband is also demanding. He is doing the best he can to repair the damage. If I am objective, there is nothing he could be doing better except for communication. This is a completely different beast we all have to face in affair recovery.
Remember the equation for Infidelity to happen? You need a problem, faulty communication and an affair partner. Without any of these, there is no affair possible. At some point after DDay and, if you decide to work on your marriage, you will be left with the poor communication term of the equation. There is where we are now. We have worked on the WHY the affair happened, the affair is over and now it's just me, him and our flaws.
The high bar we both set for assessing our progress and flawed communication skills make a formula for disappointment. As therapist Esther Perel has pointed out in a recent talk at NYU, no one is ever in the here and now. We are all shaped by our learnings. How we love today depends on how we learned to love as children. Every couple is the result of two stories coming together. Every move, tone of voice and expression has probably a different meaning for every person.
In my case, I react to triggers by voicing the pain that the memory is causing me. My husband interprets my reaction as a dismissal for all the repair work he's been doing. We are getting over the vicious circle faster as we heal and create new memories together. Still, I wish I wouldn't react to triggers the way I do. Even though my outbursts are less intense, less frequent and shorter-lived, I feel damaged and unworthy.
My husband also feels hurt. It takes time as a betrayed spouse to acknowledge that the betrayer has the right to feel pain. Most of us feel that they should work tirelessly without any fuel until they repair the damage they have caused. When my husband reminds me that he "has feelings too", I mostly dismiss his plea for compassion with a statement in the lines of "you made your bed...".
He spends a lot of energy thinking of ways to avoid triggering me. After all these months, he is still clueless as to how to better do this. We have both realised that there is no way to prevent triggers because so many everyday situations can be triggery.
Once an affair is revealed, even seeing any person or child who might resemble a member of the family of the affair partner can remind us of the affair. Smells, seasons, vehicles, routes, events and pets are only a few of the things that gain a whole new meaning post DDay.
We have improved our communication skills. We have sat and talked about topics we never touched before DDay. We understand that we speak different languages and we cannot assume the other will translate every encoded message before giving it his/her own interpretation.
I must learn to recognise the triggers before they completely detonate. Or I can remove part of the load by acknowledging the danger and avoiding getting to the point where I might pull the trigger myself. Sadly, I will have to decline nice invitations until I feel that they do not remind me of my husband's affair.
It is impossible to predict all triggers because they depend on my emotional state at a particular point in time. I suppose that being triggered helps in healing from that particular reminder. Perhaps we have to decline invitations or avoid situations until we feel that it is not worth missing out on certain events for a memory of a painful situation that is now in the past.
Until then, I will continue to decline and to detonate accordingly. Mark will continue to live with the uncertainty of what will trigger or not trigger me every day. And we have to lower the expectations for a quicker healing because we are doing extremely well. We have come a long way since DDay and we should give ourselves credit for our personal growth.
How about you? How are you handling the triggers? Remember that you are doing the best you can. You are very brave for being on this path to recovery after the devastation caused by infidelity.
I personally work very hard on my projects so that the performance becomes a reflection of the effort. Infidelity recovery is one of those projects I have to make sure that I'm assessing through the lens of compassion and love, starting from my own progress. I am normally too strict with the grade I give myself for how far I have come.
On top of this high standard I set for myself, my husband is also demanding. He is doing the best he can to repair the damage. If I am objective, there is nothing he could be doing better except for communication. This is a completely different beast we all have to face in affair recovery.
Remember the equation for Infidelity to happen? You need a problem, faulty communication and an affair partner. Without any of these, there is no affair possible. At some point after DDay and, if you decide to work on your marriage, you will be left with the poor communication term of the equation. There is where we are now. We have worked on the WHY the affair happened, the affair is over and now it's just me, him and our flaws.
The high bar we both set for assessing our progress and flawed communication skills make a formula for disappointment. As therapist Esther Perel has pointed out in a recent talk at NYU, no one is ever in the here and now. We are all shaped by our learnings. How we love today depends on how we learned to love as children. Every couple is the result of two stories coming together. Every move, tone of voice and expression has probably a different meaning for every person.
In my case, I react to triggers by voicing the pain that the memory is causing me. My husband interprets my reaction as a dismissal for all the repair work he's been doing. We are getting over the vicious circle faster as we heal and create new memories together. Still, I wish I wouldn't react to triggers the way I do. Even though my outbursts are less intense, less frequent and shorter-lived, I feel damaged and unworthy.
My husband also feels hurt. It takes time as a betrayed spouse to acknowledge that the betrayer has the right to feel pain. Most of us feel that they should work tirelessly without any fuel until they repair the damage they have caused. When my husband reminds me that he "has feelings too", I mostly dismiss his plea for compassion with a statement in the lines of "you made your bed...".
He spends a lot of energy thinking of ways to avoid triggering me. After all these months, he is still clueless as to how to better do this. We have both realised that there is no way to prevent triggers because so many everyday situations can be triggery.
Once an affair is revealed, even seeing any person or child who might resemble a member of the family of the affair partner can remind us of the affair. Smells, seasons, vehicles, routes, events and pets are only a few of the things that gain a whole new meaning post DDay.
We have improved our communication skills. We have sat and talked about topics we never touched before DDay. We understand that we speak different languages and we cannot assume the other will translate every encoded message before giving it his/her own interpretation.
I must learn to recognise the triggers before they completely detonate. Or I can remove part of the load by acknowledging the danger and avoiding getting to the point where I might pull the trigger myself. Sadly, I will have to decline nice invitations until I feel that they do not remind me of my husband's affair.
It is impossible to predict all triggers because they depend on my emotional state at a particular point in time. I suppose that being triggered helps in healing from that particular reminder. Perhaps we have to decline invitations or avoid situations until we feel that it is not worth missing out on certain events for a memory of a painful situation that is now in the past.
Until then, I will continue to decline and to detonate accordingly. Mark will continue to live with the uncertainty of what will trigger or not trigger me every day. And we have to lower the expectations for a quicker healing because we are doing extremely well. We have come a long way since DDay and we should give ourselves credit for our personal growth.
How about you? How are you handling the triggers? Remember that you are doing the best you can. You are very brave for being on this path to recovery after the devastation caused by infidelity.
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