The Work by Byron Katie can help relieve suffering

There is so much suffering when infidelity hits home. Many of us, betrayed spouses, find ways to remain more or less functional. Life goes on in spite of our wounds and there are duties to fulfill: feed the pets, go to work, walk the dog, look after people who depend on us. Our body goes into a state of post-trauma. Bessel Van Der Kolk, in his book "The Body Keeps the Score" explains how our brain rewires and we lose touch with our senses. The School of Life gives you the skinny in this video.

Depending on where you are in your journey, if you decided to give a repented ex-unfaithful a chance, you might be wondering whether you would lessen your suffering by separating. The thought is that, if you don't bet on the marriage, you don't have to worry about TRUST issues. 

Trust is probably one of the biggest losses post-infidelity. How can you trust him/her again? Trust is regained with much reassurance, love, patience from his/her part. They shattered the trust we put in them so they must rebuild it. 

I am almost at three years past DDay and I am still triggered by my ex-UH smiling at his phone. This past week, I confronted him and I caught him off-guard. I hadn't snapped at him in a long time. We went through Covid-19 together, so we spent a lot of time at home. The lockdowns have been very good for my post-trauma brain because it has eliminated many triggers. Our clash didn't last more than two minutes. We've been over that loop so many times, we need no words. All he did was apologise again, reassure that he loves me and I could feel it. Without talking. 

Yet, even after so many months, after so much rebuilding of trust from his part, I can be triggered. Here are some of the ways in which I have remained in peace as I have married my ex-UH again. 

• The affair was over from the day I discovered it
• I have full access to his phone and tablets at any time
• If he's late, he lets me know
• I can ask for a photo at any moment as a proof of where he is
• When I feel triggered or sad, I tell him and he is very empathetic
• Lockdowns and restrictions have eliminated business dinners and trips
• He is fully present when at home and engages in maintenance chores as never before

The above is not a list of infallible proofs. I have spend time and energy analysing infidelity, my own life story and digging into techniques to recover from trauma. I have grown as a person, not to make it easier for him to "get away" with what he did, but to live a happier life. 

This brings me to Gretchen Rubin and Byron Katie. 

Gretchen states, in Dr Chatterjee's podcast that we must strive to be happiER as we become wiser in life. This is what our mentor suggested we did when we decided to give our marriage this ONE chance. He said: "You don't get back together for your children, you get back together to live a happier life". And that has been the mantra of our "second marriage" post-infidelity. It removes the idea that I am "letting him get away with what he did". I have learnt that the affair is in the past, that it had nothing to do with something I did or didn't do, and that I decided to give ourselves a chance because there was still love in my wounded heart for that (seemingly at the time) "bastard" who cheated on me. 

I recently came across the work of Byron Katie, TheWork.com and really liked the Four Questions she proposes to inquire about your thoughts, beliefs, fantasies and judgement. Katie invites you to sit with a situation that causes you suffering. It could be the affair and the role your US played in it, or you could do it with the "ap", if you keep thinking about her/him. 

Once you choose a thought that causes you pain, you answer a "Judge-your-neighbour" worksheet (all available for free on her website and there are some sessions on YouTube where she works with people from the audience). You stay anchored in the situation as you answer the questions on the sheet. You can be as judgmental as you want. You must feel the emotions. 

Then you isolate a statement for inquiry with the four questions: 

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it is true?
3. What happens when you believe that thought, how do you react?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Just Q1 has been so helpful for me. This practice can help you catch yourself thinking about the past, in pain for what is no more and you can immediately focus on the present ("Is this thought TRUE?"). We don't want to relive the emotions of the betrayal. It is not worth it, spending energy thinking about the "ow" and make statements like "She shouldn't have made herself available to my H, knowing he is married, the b"3ch!"

There are also "Turnarounds" that Katie suggests to make you question your thoughts even more and to make you feel other emotions. Some of them are very helpful. Make sure you are careful because the purpose is not for you to blame yourself (like some of the turnarounds may suggest). It's about "discovering alternatives that can bring you peace", as stated on Katie's website. 

I hope you find some of these techniques and insights useful. If you are wounded by the betrayal of the person you have build a life with, know that you are not alone and that you can sail through this. 

Lots of love,

Helen