The perception of reality after #infidelity
One of the questions betrayed spouses ponder after infidelity is HOW our lives are different Post-DDay compared to Pre-DDay. Today's thoughts are about coming to terms with the new reality created a long way down the line of Affair Recovery. We have already discussed the obsession with the AP. the fluctuating degrees of forgiving, the PTSD like process we go through while grieving from the losses created by our spouse's breach of trust.
There are definitely big changes that might remain invisible while still making a betrayed spouse feel like a completely different person. At some point, while grieving our old sense of security and belief in our marriage, we start to FEEL different. I can say, personally, that I have morphed into someone stronger and with an added item on my list of "temporary joys in life": being in love.
I have come to the realisation that love comes with an expiry date. It doesn't mean that I cannot give my ex-unfaithful husband a second chance, which I am currently doing. It just means that in this "second marriage with the same person" as my virtual mentor Esther Perel puts it, I have changed my perception of reality.
It has always been clear to me that life is finite, so I do my best to balance enjoyment and prudence in relation to my own life and that of those I love the most. I am aware that material goods can be wiped away from you unexpectedly and that not everything you see is what it seems. Except, that my marriage was considered an exception to the latter concept until I started suspecting and then discovered my husband's affair.
As Alain de Botton puts it, the romantic fairy tale we were told since we were children has really screwed us up. How could I believe that I would marry an honest person who would never deceit me the way my ex-unfaithful husband did? Well, it turned out that he was just another imperfect human being. And I am supposed to love him as I would my own child in the face of his repentance and new boundaries, or it is not TRUE love.
So here I am, fifteen (just counted!) months after DDay, able to control the rising anger when I think of all the lies they both told me. I include the OW/CW/AP because she was a co-worker of his and included me in social activities in her own home with HER husband (!).
I don't want to give any of my energy to her but I don't put too much effort in pushing uninvited thoughts away. If they arrive, I acknowledge them and let them sit with me for as long as it takes for them to fade away. I have taken up new paid activities that keep my mind focused on topics that interest me and entail social interaction that is quite pleasing.
I feel like this second marriage with the same person can end any day. And that is as possible as the fact that I might die in my sleep tonight. I no longer fear these outcomes at the same degree I used to. They will be sad but I am equipped to accept them and their impossibility to be forecasted.
The more I think of and feel my new self Post-DDay, the more I realise that nothing will ever be the same as before DDay. I will never believe in anyone or anything the way I used to. I will forever be the wife who was betrayed by her beloved husband. The bitterness will always be there and I will work on adding as much sweetness to it so as to change the taste.
When I think of it like that, I feel sad. That's why my best bet is to live ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME.
I can believe that my husband is happy to see me when he hugs me as he arrives from work and he smiles at me. I feel that he is fully present when we are intimate, something I enjoy very much. He is a great father and a generous man. The more I focus on the present moment, the more obvious his good qualities become.
That's why, my current mantra is "believe what I see and trust my gut feeling".
I hope you are loving yourself as you sail through infidelity. There is hope and you will find your own way to live again. Take good care.
Love,
Helen
There are definitely big changes that might remain invisible while still making a betrayed spouse feel like a completely different person. At some point, while grieving our old sense of security and belief in our marriage, we start to FEEL different. I can say, personally, that I have morphed into someone stronger and with an added item on my list of "temporary joys in life": being in love.
I have come to the realisation that love comes with an expiry date. It doesn't mean that I cannot give my ex-unfaithful husband a second chance, which I am currently doing. It just means that in this "second marriage with the same person" as my virtual mentor Esther Perel puts it, I have changed my perception of reality.
It has always been clear to me that life is finite, so I do my best to balance enjoyment and prudence in relation to my own life and that of those I love the most. I am aware that material goods can be wiped away from you unexpectedly and that not everything you see is what it seems. Except, that my marriage was considered an exception to the latter concept until I started suspecting and then discovered my husband's affair.
As Alain de Botton puts it, the romantic fairy tale we were told since we were children has really screwed us up. How could I believe that I would marry an honest person who would never deceit me the way my ex-unfaithful husband did? Well, it turned out that he was just another imperfect human being. And I am supposed to love him as I would my own child in the face of his repentance and new boundaries, or it is not TRUE love.
So here I am, fifteen (just counted!) months after DDay, able to control the rising anger when I think of all the lies they both told me. I include the OW/CW/AP because she was a co-worker of his and included me in social activities in her own home with HER husband (!).
I don't want to give any of my energy to her but I don't put too much effort in pushing uninvited thoughts away. If they arrive, I acknowledge them and let them sit with me for as long as it takes for them to fade away. I have taken up new paid activities that keep my mind focused on topics that interest me and entail social interaction that is quite pleasing.
I feel like this second marriage with the same person can end any day. And that is as possible as the fact that I might die in my sleep tonight. I no longer fear these outcomes at the same degree I used to. They will be sad but I am equipped to accept them and their impossibility to be forecasted.
The more I think of and feel my new self Post-DDay, the more I realise that nothing will ever be the same as before DDay. I will never believe in anyone or anything the way I used to. I will forever be the wife who was betrayed by her beloved husband. The bitterness will always be there and I will work on adding as much sweetness to it so as to change the taste.
When I think of it like that, I feel sad. That's why my best bet is to live ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME.
I can believe that my husband is happy to see me when he hugs me as he arrives from work and he smiles at me. I feel that he is fully present when we are intimate, something I enjoy very much. He is a great father and a generous man. The more I focus on the present moment, the more obvious his good qualities become.
That's why, my current mantra is "believe what I see and trust my gut feeling".
I hope you are loving yourself as you sail through infidelity. There is hope and you will find your own way to live again. Take good care.
Love,
Helen
Comments
Post a Comment