Moving beyond the affair almost a year after DDay

All betrayals are different except that they all involve pain, loss, trauma and the desire to recover. July 2018 was when I discovered my husband had been having an affair with a married coworker for over a year. What I went through while suspecting, discovering and reacting to the betrayal is recounted in my book.

Today I am in a better place, I escaped gaslighting, faced my fears, nourished my inner child, grew through pain and have started to enjoy my second marriage with my ex-unfaithful husband.

As I embark on this new adventure, I am a woman in my early 50s and my goals are very different from when I married him for the first time in my late 20s.

Sailing through Infidelity

As I have been sailing through infidelity, I have found many resources for clarity and guidance. I couldn't feel more grateful for my friends, both real and my virtual #Tribe on Twitter that has been a supportive rock of ongoing empathy 24/7. I appreciate all my tweeps from Australia to the West Coast in the U.S.

It will soon be one year that I entered the Betrayed Wives Club, one that no one ever thinks they will enter. I honestly believe that there hasn't been a better time to be cheated on. We can access vlogs, online courses, ebooks, therapists, other betrayed spouses, ex-unfaithful spouses, bloggers, entertainment to forget, yoga and other mindfulness techniques, music. You name it, there is so much only a tap or a click away.

If I wouldn't have listened to Esther Perel's TEDTalk on Infidelity, I wouldn't have internalised the notion of having a second marriage with my unfaithful husband. She describes why he might have cheated, clarifies that it had nothing to do with me and all to do with him escaping the person he had become. That person I didn't like either.

Then it was Samuel's vlogs for AffairRecovery.com - he there explained how recovery from an affair had to start with the unfaithful showing remorse and taking responsibility for causing my pain. The affair had to end and boundaries set in place to avoid relapse and start to build trust again. We had to find the WHY my husband crossed the line. We needed a real-life mentor to decide that we would give our marriage a chance after infidelity. It's been nine months since we are living together again.

Releasing the Affair Partner

I am sure the affair is over because the OW/AP/CW fears I will disclose the truth to her husband and she stays away from my husband to honour our agreement. I stopped feeling the need to contact her to remind her I was pissed off big time with her and what I was willing to do if she came near my husband again, after I published a letter that I never sent but was a reflection of a telephone conversation we had in December 2018. Especially after I published my book in March 2019, I don't spend energy thinking about her. 

She has contacted me as recently as one month ago to apologise for still holding the position at work that she promised to leave when I told her how triggery it was for me to think that they were working in the same building. I did not answer any of her text messages in the past three months. It felt so good to not spend my energy thinking of what to say. I owe my Tweeps and specially @ElleToMany for stating how I shouldn't be part of her support system. Wise words!

What's next

As we approach one year since DDay, even the start of the warmer season has become a trigger. I had a tantrum recently, only comparable to the one I had during discovery and denial of the affair by my husband, last July. The past weeks have been difficult because the conditions surrounding my husband at work, where the affair took place, have not changed. There will be changes in the structure of the workplace soon and we don't know if he'll end up working near the ex-AP again. There are farewell parties to attend. There are Summer gatherings with the same people we met during his affair, without me knowing what was going on. The settings are similar and it makes me go back to the time of the affair. 

It was all too much to prevent emotions flooding by using the well-studied techniques suggested in the books I've read. The STOP sign in front of the thoughts about the affair seemed to me like a way for my husband to get away with what he did. After all, if I remained calm, we could "pretend normal" and he could avoid acknowledging what a lucky guy he is that I decided to give him a second chance after he enjoyed sex with another woman. 

My pride was too hurt and my rage built up. I was depressed for a number of days until I banged my piano while playing a Bach Prelude in F, then went on to kick the wooden bed's frame and punched my concerned husband in the face. It wasn't until I stopped suppressing my anger/pain that I started to feel joy again. 

I know that these apparent setbacks point towards growth. I have compared it with the transformation a worm endures to emerge from the cocoon as a majestic butterfly. It is a painful and scary road to personal growth. And my husband has remained next to me, listening and supporting me while apologising over and over for the choices he made during 2017 and half of 2018. I suppose this shows that we are growing together. 

We have identified that when I talk from my pain, he must not become defensive. He has learned to talk to my pain. Well, he's rather clumsy at times but he has improved. I have promised myself I will stop dismissing all his efforts. If he continues being present and holding my hand when I'm in pain after twelve months of fiercely putting him to the test, I think it is finally time to start believing that he might have stayed in the marriage because he loves me. 

Guidelines

• I will appreciate my husband's signs of affection
• I acknowledge that we have moved forward relatively fast
• Infidelity sucks
• We will be dealing with the consequences of the affair forever
• What happened cannot be changed
• Triggers will still appear unannounced for a few more years (@AuthorDolly)
• We will work on improving our marriage actively
• Happily ever after is a lie
• Checking his phone will not prevent another affair
• Rigidity might lead to relapse, find a balance (thank you, @DivorcedDad101)
• Ask open-ended questions that start awkward conversations
• I will remain quiet and wait before reacting to triggers (@RosieJoseph)
• We must get to know each other again actively (@Masharky)
• Marriage therapy, enjoying life and reconnecting without time limit (@LTI)
• Look into pitfalls that led to the affair and not pretend it never happened (@Ang)
• Make a list of all we have invested in the marriage and the positives of staying together (@SSNeverWeak1)
• Focus on us. The AP remains in the past
• Plan fun ahead and go through with it even if we're in a down. We deserve a break
• Self-love, self-compassion, self-forgiveness are key to recovery
• Do things we love, do more of it and then do some more

There is no instruction manual, no books about this stage. We have followed the instructions to feel safe after the affair, we trust our spouse will not cheat again. Let's enjoy our new marriage and be this better version of ourselves. I celebrate that I feel stronger and that I am looking at other interests apart from How to Recover From the Infidelity. I think I am ready to put together the second book of the series: Sailing Beyond Infidelity. 

Thank you for reading, 

Helen