Key reminders when dealing with #infidelity recovery
In the aftermath of infidelity, there are certain key facts that we need to keep reminding ourselves of. Regardless of whether you are working on your marriage with a remorseful spouse or you have gone your separate ways, I find that these statements will somehow help a betrayed spouse come out of a sad dip in the emotional roller coaster that follows the discovery of a spouse's affair.
The below summarise a few of the techniques to deal with grief and trauma that have helped me arrive at a better place in my life touched by infidelity. The intention is not to diminish pain caused by death, war, natural disasters or else. I have already written how there are other losses that betrayed spouses have not experienced and that we can use that realisation to soothe our pain. With all due respect to all losses, here's the list of what you probably already know but might need reminding of.
The below summarise a few of the techniques to deal with grief and trauma that have helped me arrive at a better place in my life touched by infidelity. The intention is not to diminish pain caused by death, war, natural disasters or else. I have already written how there are other losses that betrayed spouses have not experienced and that we can use that realisation to soothe our pain. With all due respect to all losses, here's the list of what you probably already know but might need reminding of.
Infidelity vs natural disasters
The trauma and grief experienced by a betrayed spouse are comparable to those caused by natural disasters with the aggravating fact that the unfaithful caused such disaster. Unlike floodings or earthquakes, infidelity is a choice the spouse we love and treasure makes. Dr Laurie Nadel wrote a book called the Five Gifts to recover from the trauma caused by natural disasters. Acknowledging that my husband intentionally brought this disaster into my life, I found that
- Acceptance,
- patience,
- long term empathy from my tribe,
- growth/resilience and
- forgiving
There is no magic recipe
No spiritual practice or analytical process will guarantee that you will stop feeling pain. They can certainly ease and soothe the pain but we all need time to heal. That's why number 2 above, patience, is so important. There will be good days and not so good days in our recovery from infidelity. You are doing your best by connecting to others who can relate and by searching answers through stories and blogs like this one.
Gratitude helps
Life is about the small things. There is so much we take for granted that we overlook how fortunate we are for what we do have. Health, loving children, pets, a roof over our head? Whatever it is, even the Sun shining or the rain pouring on the soil, they are wonderful events that take place in our life. They cannot erase infidelity but realising their importance and appreciating them can give us a glimpse of the joy we might desperately crave.
It is NOT about you
There is nothing you could have done to prevent your spouse's choice. Infidelity is not about you, it is about the unfaithful 100%
You can fear infidelity will touch your marriage and place boundaries to affair-proof it, but if your spouse chooses to lie and connect elsewhere, s/he will find a way.
It is OK not to know
Embrace uncertainty. Giving up on your relationship might seem like an option you can control when there are so many other factors you cannot control. Just because you can control leaving your marriage doesn't mean it's going to ease the pain. Quitting doesn't make you a winner if you love a remorseful spouse who is willing to make you feel safe. Give your love a chance.
Self-love is key
You don't have to have a plan yet. It is OK to just want to stop feeling pain, or to want to start feeling some joy again. Feel proud every time you overcome those hurdles in front of you: when you push yourself to get out of bed, when you give yourself permission to binge on a TV series or to cook a healthy meal. Those are big achievements. Take good care of yourself: breathe deeply, stay hydrated, apply cream, treat yourself to a massage, shower, look outside your window, just do something for yourself today.
Time has all the answers
Time will tell. There is nothing truer than the way our questions are answered when we are willing to wait. Time will pass whether we worry or not, so make the best out of what you have today and don't worry about those questions that might be weighing you down. Will you be able to smile again? Will you be able to forgive him/her? Hopefully, the answer is YES. Give yourself time.
Your Turn
Have I missed an important reminder? Let me know in the comments. If you found this helpful, share with your tribe. Read my story on kindle, KU or paperback. Would love to connect on Instagram or Twitter.
Love,
Helen
You opening paragraph states: "Regardless of whether you are working on your marriage with a remorseful husband or you have gone your separate ways, I find that these statements will somehow help a betrayed spouse come out of a sad dip in the emotional roller coaster that follows the discovery of a spouse's affair." I am intrigued....why the reference to "husband" when you thereafter clearly try to stay gender neutral (admirable since wives / partnered women have affairs too).............you do not say "Regardless of whether you are working on your marriage with a remorseful husband, like me...." so the initial reference cannot be to yourself.............another example of female stereotyping men / husbands? Yours, a betrayed husband.................enough said
ReplyDeleteDear betrayed husband,
DeleteI am so sorry you are going through the pain of betrayal. You are absolutely right about the inconsistency in the gender from one sentence to the next. I have replaced the word husband for spouse in the first paragraph. Thank you for pointing that out. The idea was not to stereotype the husband. My own spouse cheated with a married woman, so of course they can be unfaithful. It's just sometimes I think of all the other betrayed wives that I communicate with on Twitter and I write for them. Unfortunately the number of betrayed husbands who participate in these conversations are the few. Most of them are used to it being mostly the betrayed wives 'talking' and they adjust the gender specificity by replacing husband for spouse.
I hope you find some help and comfort through this trial period in your life. Best wishes for healing in 2020.