Top ten posts about sailing through #infidelity in 2019

Seventeen months have passed since DDay. It is true that you can recover from the pain of infidelity. The excruciating pain of discovering that the person you decided to build your adult life with betrayed you, eventually fades away. Blogging about my journey has helped in my healing and I wanted to share the top ten most-read entries of 2019.

10 When the pain-veil blinds us from our own progress

Sometimes it takes longer than we wished to sail through the low periods. We know that we have progressed on our recovery from infidelity but we just cannot "feel it". The last couple of times that I have been in this dark place, I have identified the pain in me taking over. Here's how I've dealt with it.

9 Unforeseen consequences of having an affair with a co-worker

I don't think this entry will prevent anyone from crossing the line but it can help a betrayed spouse understand the level of the mess in which their repented ex-unfaithful spouse found themselves into. It is certainly helping me leave the affair where it belongs: in the every-day-that-passes-by more distant past.

8 A conversation about his WHY for betrayal

Affair recovery experts say it is very important to understand the reasons that led to infidelity. If you decide to work on your marriage after discovery or disclosure of your spouse's affair, the marriage therapists I came across in the early days after my husband's secret was exposed, talked about two conditions for this to work: ending the affair and understanding WHY it happened.

7 A letter to the Other Woman

This entry has over four hundred views. If you are a betrayed spouse, writing a letter to the OW can be cathartic. No need to send it. I wrote this letter less than six months after discovery, after a telephone conversation with my husband's affair partner. Read it here. 

6 Three realisations that have taken our recovery to a whole new level:

1. When H gets defensive, I get frustrated and remain irrational. Pain and fear, when unacknowledged, come out as hurtful and dismissing statements. Once my H talks to my pain and stops being defensive, I can start feeling the connection again and fear subsides.
2. H was taught to avoid expressing his feelings. He confessed to me that he cannot let the pain out in any way as I do. This made me realise that this is what makes it so difficult for him to express positive feelings too. 
3. Changing the punishment mind frame to a more nourishing attitude helps both of us. When I focus on the positives, not only do I improve my state of mind, but my H feels that the work he is doing is helping us heal and recover from his affair. 

Read the whole article here. 

5 A thank you letter to my ex-unfaithful husband

Six months after discovering his affair, I wrote a letter to my husband thanking him for his choice to stay and work on our recovery. Infidelity is just a symptom of more complex realities. Every marriage is different. In this article, I talk about my case and I share probably my first official acknowledgement of the positive actions of my husband. 

4 Why would you give an unfaithful spouse a second chance

With over five hundred hits, read why I gave my ex-unfaithful husband a chance. I hope it helps those who know someone who is going through the pain of infidelity and decides to stay in the marriage. Read it here.  

3 Infidelity and the secret

The definition of infidelity itself has to do with hiding information. Secrets carry energy and are a very important part of infidelity. Read all about it here. 

2 What you cannot foresee before separation

I separated from my husband as soon as I discovered his affair. But even separation doesn't come in black and white. I did make a strong statement, as I wanted. In this entry I reflect on the issues that I had not considered in deciding to staying in my own space away from him. 

1 Gaslighting

This entry has almost one thousand hits. The most read of the year, Gaslighting: a term I learned after discovery, is a short article that explains the origin of this term and how unfaithful spouses can cause mental damage in hiding their affair. 

Thank you

I wanted to say a big THANK YOU for being here and reading, commenting and sharing my articles. I hope 2020 will be a year of great healing for all of us. 

Cheers, 

Helen