Sailing through #infidelity is unpredictable

Sailing depends on a number of factors. Apart from the obvious wind and how calm the sea is, there are the tides and many other factors that escape the control of the sailor. This is why I chose this name for the blog. I knew I had to sail through infidelity, then I was ready to sail beyond it and now I keep updating my journey as a means to organise and make sense of what is happening. 

Last week I wrote about how proud I was of myself for not contacting the ex-ap after I saw that her flirting behaviour is still part of my husband's work reality. I stated how I managed to pass on the message to him about keeping the boundaries we agreed on in place, even almost three years past DDay.

It has been very difficult to adapt to life out of lockdown, to be perfectly honest. My husband had an affair with a co-worker and he continues to work in the same place. She is now in charge of a inter-departmental project, so his department is involved with her. 

In reality, she is still part of my husband's work-life. So work = trigger. That's one of the unforeseen consequences of having an affair with a co-worker. Even the name of the institution where they work becomes a trigger. 

It is not easy for us to make a move in the professional area, so we agreed to work on our marriage putting boundaries in place to keep her out of our lives. 

One of the things I have worked on as part of my healing is to become more assertive. I have reached a point where I am tired of thinking and I decided to just start to feel instead. I don't want to think or rationalise about what to say or do. I just want to be able to articulate my needs and be honest about what I'm feeling. Fear? Anger? Resentment? Feel it. 

This permission I gave myself to feel led to another conversation with my husband to check if he is keeping boundaries at work. It started with his closest female colleagues until we eventually talked about his ex.

He asked me if I thought about it every day, after I exposed how difficult it was for me to refrain from bringing this new issue of her leading this big project and showing off. He replied: "it is a nightmare to live like this." To which I replied: "life beyond infidelity IS a nightmare. You cannot imagine how difficult it is for me to stop myself from asking all the questions I want to ask you some days". 

Life beyond infidelity IS a nightmare

He seemed truly surprised. He repeated to me what he has always expressed: "I don't understand how you can live like that. I just left all of it in the past." And I know he's honest. He has a thousand ways to focus on work challenges that will make him feel useful as a provider for our family. I will not repeat here all the things he confirmed as to how he will always feel shame in front of our children.  

Somehow, I needed to hear it from him again that he hasn't forgotten how he betrayed me. The fact that he still works in the same place where the affair took place is a trigger in itself. It is not easy. 

He told me that I was too demanding with myself for expecting to keeping it all in. He suggested I bring it up with him every time I felt like it because he is unsure about when or how to bring it up himself. And, to be honest, he is right. I keep telling him that transfer of vigilance would help, that he should apologise for all the appearances of the ex-ap I have to witness on social media. But, if he brought her up at the wrong moment it could backfire. So he hasn't held the affair in awareness in the way I would like (or I think I would prefer). 

The bottom line is that sailing beyond infidelity is bloody difficult. There is no direction to follow. We are all different. Our mood changes, our needs change. We must keep adjusting the sails and let the wind carry us to new shores. 

After all, living one day at a time brings us to a new beginning every morning. 

Let's accept our weaknesses and allow ourselves to say the wrong thing according to the therapists, if it feels right. 

Love yourself, and keep walking. 

Lots of love,

Helen