Beyond Infidelity: revising suffering, love and ancestral trauma

As time passes by and we practice what we learn from recovering from betrayal, there are more 'aha' moments I would like to talk about. Let's revise the Universe of Pain or Collective Suffering, relearning the meaning of Love and Inherited Trauma.

In my recent conversation with Andrew G. Marshall, marital therapist, author and communicator, we discussed how we inherit the traumas our ancestors left unresolved. This has to do with the statement "pain that is not transformed is transmitted" and it is so common in families all over the world who choose not to discuss their "secrets" over dinner.

These are all topics I have already mentioned in this blog, yet they deserve an update as my healing process continues. 

The collective suffering or Universe of Pain

This concept is one of Laurie Nadel's five gifts to recover from the horrors of natural disasters, tools that came in very handy as I was facing my husband-made infidelity disaster. Esther Perel also mentions the importance of knowing that we are not alone in facing the reality of love relationships in her latest workshop about the ambiguity of new relationships. 

In romanticising love we have made the reality of it such a grey (to black) area that we feel shame even to suggest that we are not sure about our partner's commitment or that we feel disconnected. Not only we don't talk about it with our friends, we find it difficult to be completely honest with ourselves. 

Knowing that we are not alone in our uncertainty, to say the least, helps us recover our self-esteem and confidence. It also makes the heavy load of suffering lighter, since we are aware how others are also carrying the weight of their own losses. 

What is love?

Andrew asked me about what love is for me and I did not have an answer. It is still a work in progress. Certainly I am now aware that "happily ever after" is a myth but it has taken time to grieve the loss of the belief in the fairy tale.

As I have been focusing on the day to day reality I live in, however, I have come to terms with this overwhelming piece of information. I am such a romantic myself. 

Having accepted the reality of love and the fact that my husband is a more of a show than a tell person, I am now enjoying the effort he puts in articulating his love for me and I complete my romanticism requirements via music or films/series. This is where Erich Fromm states romantic love can be found. 

If you are the romantic type, I suggest you come to terms with the fact that it's only real in the virtual world. 

Ancestral trauma

I have worked with author and therapist Mark Wolynn's book, It Didn't Start With You and discovered where my people-pleasing attitude stems from. 

I have mentioned my fearful inner child before. I realised as I was recovering from infidelity that I was born afraid of not being worthy of love. 

As I worked on my family tree, I realised both my paternal grandparents were abandoned by their fathers. That was not a topic for discussion very often, except with a touch of judgement by my own mother. It was a reflection of the societal belief that being illegitimate was a public embarrassment. 

I grew up with the impression that there was nothing that could somewhat heal the pain and shame that came along such a fact. Interestingly, when I stated to my husband how my paternal grandparents were both illegitimate, he simply pointed out that they had done the right thing by getting married to one another and creating a family with both parents present. Husband was not blinded by the societal judgement like I was. 

It took some digging to realise the connection with my own fear of abandonment. I had originally thought it came from my mother because she showed a lot of insecurities herself throughout our family life together. But I had chosen to ignore the more shameful past of my paternal grandparents. 

So I have found photos of them holding me as a baby and I have lit candles to their memory. May they both rest in peace and may all their descendents be free of the fear of abandonment. Amen

Your turn

I hope you are also progressing in your recovery from betrayal. Remember you always have a choice not to remain a victim forever. You deserve to be happy and the first step towards feeling joy is to love yourself and accept YOU as you are. 

Thanks for being here. 

Lots of love,

Helen