Doing and being over three years past DDay

It will be three and a half years soon since I started my recovery from my husband's proven infidelity. The fear of being betrayed by my spouse materialised after a couple of years of disconnection and his choice to live an affair with a married co-worker. 

It has been three and a half years of studying, of feeling and of deciding. The latter has been guided by my intuition. Yes, after I had a plan for when and if infidelity touched my life, I did follow through, but it did not feel right. There were a number of factors I hadn't taken into account. 

Helen Tower

The decision I made in my teens about how to deal with infidelity in my adult life did not take into account the changes I would experience as I interacted with my husband and made him my life partner. Neither could I imagine that children were not just entities I could uproot like my own parents had uprooted me countless times in search for better opportunities. 

I had survived uprooting and I thrived because of all the new experiences: the sad farewells as well as the challenging start-overs. 

I suppose it is natural to assume -until you know better- that all beings can cope in the same way you do. I now have learned so much more. I saw my own children reacting to the "plan" I executed after DDay (discovery-of-the-affair day). Each one of them in their own personal way. And I reacted to their reactions as the mother that I now am. 

I have since learned that I am the result of my experiences with the family I created with my husband. We are stuck with each other for as long as our children exist and in the memories of what we have experienced together. 

Some betrayed spouses don't have the chance to give a remorseful partner a second chance. Many decide not to and a few openly do. Who knows how many remain silently in a marriage that has gone through infidelity. Whatever the case, the uncertainty that accompanies suspecting, confirming and facing infidelity, is a life changer. 

After DDay, betrayed spouses suffer from PTSD, the same way war veterans and natural disaster survivors do. Our perception of reality is never the same before and after infidelity. Go easy on yourself when you still cannot control those uninvited flashbacks about real or imaginary scenes of your spouse's affair. 

A positive note

The reason I am writing this entry today is because I wanted to share that, after a few weeks of studying about LOVE, from the classic book by Erich Fromm, I am starting to enjoy again feeling romantically loved by my ex-unfaithful husband. 

Erich Fromm, source: commons.wikimedia

Throughout my own recovery from my H's betrayal, I have come to terms with his love language and his inability to heal by talking about the past he feels ashamed of. I noticed that I have done a lot of work for our recovery and that my plan B is shaping up beautifully. 

Listen to Dr Caroline Madden explaining how my H's shameful affair is not his favourite topic for conversation: 

I have learned to speak up for what I want and I am not ignoring my needs. I have been DOING more of what makes me happy as an individual and I feel less need to limit my husband's moves. I have freed myself from the cage of people-pleaser I had been living in. I have grown as a person out of the very painful experience of infidelity. 

I now accept my own view of love as a romantic one. This is how I love and want to be loved. It's come up many times when I talk to myself in how I would never betray my husband and how much I miss loving words and public acknowledgement. 

In accepting myself, I have also become more compassionate towards people around me. I give them the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the best they can. And this compassion does not exclude my husband. 

I have also been testing him, by not asking for what I want to hear -since I have spelled it out a million times in the past three years- or by ignoring our upcoming 25th Wedding Anniversary (I know, right?). He keeps checking in and showing his love for me by being attentive, by listening to my needs and following through the plan B I required to remain in our marriage. 

The words I crave, he cannot pronounce, so he writes them. I have accepted to read instead of to listen to them. It's a peaceful settlement that does not ignore my need for loving words. My inner child is content.

He has just suggested we go on a trip for our anniversary. I gladly accepted and gave him kudos for taking an initiative I had already decided I was not going to take. I feel loved and I wanted to share this with you because it is important to know that there IS hope. 

Sometimes a good person who remained faithful to their vows for over fifteen years, falls to the depths of infidelity and remains trapped until they are discovered. IF they are remorseful and willing to do what it takes to grow and work on a new marriage with a wounded betrayed spouse, there is ONE chance for the marriage to accommodate happiness for these two new people who disembark after sailing through infidelity. 

I wish you much peace. Love will follow. 

If shitty infidelity has touched your life, use it to catapult you to better places with your own self. Life is about feeling happy in our own skin. Do that and you will be loved by those who deserve you.

Share with me where you are in your path. 

Thank you for being here.

Much love,

Helen