What to do if a friend confides in you about their spouse's betrayal?

Depending on our life experiences we react in different ways to difficult, shocking and unexpected news. If you have a friend who is facing infidelity and confides in you, here's how to handle it from the point of view of the betrayed. There are basic facts that you must bear in mind so that you can help your friend in the best possible way.

Be a good listener

Even if you have your own problems and/or you are not in a good psychological place when your friend spills the beans, be aware that if your friend is talking about it, it's because it is too overwhelming to pretend it's not happening. It means you are an important person in their life and they have probably been suffering in silence for a very long time before confession time. 

Do not take sides

You might have seen it coming from the actions of the unfaithful spouse or you never expected it to happen to this particular couple. Either way, focus on the wellbeing of your friend. Never use offensive terms towards the betrayer. Do not blame your friend for what happened. IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE BETRAYED. Infidelity is 100% a decision of the unfaithful. If you don't know what to say, reassure your friend with a simple "I am here for you".

It is not about being rational

If a friend is talking to you about a broken heart for the first time, he or she is in a lot of pain. Pain leads to anger and you might want to point out that things are not as terrible as they portray them. Well, no. Don't do that. Talk to your friend's pain. Good phrases to use are "you don't deserve to be in so much pain" and "I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I can understand why you want to harm your spouse (or the affair partner) right now". A simple "I hear you" suffices. 

Do not stonewall your friend

A betrayed spouse who confesses to a dear friend is in a very vulnerable position. If you cannot deal with their drama, let them know how sad you feel about what they are going through and clarify that you are currently not in a good place yourself. It is better to be open about what affects you instead of shutting down without explanation. If you can check on your friend regularly, a simple text with "Thinking of you today" can go a long way.

Always consider reconciliation

When your friend is talking about the betrayal, they will be remembering and feeling the pain in full. You must know that it will pass regardless of whether your friend separates or decides to work on their marriage. If you are a friend of both and you know that the betrayer has been a good spouse up to now, show him or her your support and your best wishes for both of them to work through this huge challenge. 

Go with the flow

Dealing with infidelity throws your friend into an emotional rollercoaster. Do not expect their "resolutions" to be permanent. They might be changing their mind continuously. This is normal at the beginning. Think of it as an emotional yo-yo. The trauma of betrayal leads to the same symptoms war veterans suffer. PTSD is real in the world of the betrayed. 

Check on them regularly and for many months ahead

You might get the impression that your friend is "over" the trauma of discovering a spouse's affair after a meeting during a good day. You must know that there will be bad days too for many months after DDay. If you are thinking of your friend on any particular day, reach out. If you don't know what to say or don't want to appear intrusive, just touch base. They will know you are thinking of them. There is no need to talk about the infidelity. It is enough to remind your friend that s/he is loved (by you).

Beware of the myths

Infidelity is one of the top reasons for divorce in the Western world. There is a lot of pressure on the betrayed spouse to leave the unfaithful spouse. Divorce is not always the best solution and it does not soothe the pain. Even if the unfaithful decides to leave, the betrayed does not automatically stop loving him/her. 

If you want to read more

I've written about this topic before. How you react to a hurt friend can make a huge difference. If you had read up to here it means that you care about them so thank you! There are two more articles you might want to look at: Those who love you can judge you and it hurts is an article I wrote about my own brothers judging my decision to stay in my marriage. What to tell your friend who discovered infidelity was written for you, the good friend, a while ago when my wound was still bleeding profusely. 

Hope this helps.

Lots of love,

Helen

PS: An addition from a Tweep

A member of my Twitter tribe added an important point for you, as a friend of a betrayed spouse. If you are friends with the Affair Partner, you cannot continue to be friends with the betrayed. It just doesn't work, she states. Unfortunately, infidelity touches the lives of many and the social life of the couple involved is affected. You cannot remain neutral.